Wild Turkeys: I hate them.


I did not know that wild turkeys were on par with geese in the Asshole Animal Factor. You live; you learn. That’s what my blog is all about.

I spotted this freaky beast at Marfa Elementary School. It was engaged in some self-love with its reflection in the glass, which should have been my first warning that going anywhere near the bird was a sure-fire mistake. But, he seemed innocent enough. So, I got out of the car and got within 10 feet of the turkey. Mr. Turkey was totally cool with me snapping his picture, as he found himself to be quite the handsome dude.

He gobbled at me. I gobbled back, thoroughly convinced I was speaking good Turkey. I was right: that angry bird was INCENSED by my gobbling and began to fluff up aggressively and approach me. Oh, my. I started to walk away, sans gobbles. I don’t like to mess with wildlife like that.

End of story, I ran back to the car screaming as a furious Mr. Turkey chased me. All the while my husband and 4 year old were laughing at me for my display of cowardice.


Mr. Turkey was so pissed at me that he pecked at our car’s tires and chased us down the block.

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We ate dinner at the Hotel Paisano that evening. I asked the waitress a personal question: Are the wild turkeys here vicious? As it would turn out, her mother and young daughter were ATTACKED by one of these asshole birds recently. Her poor mother fell to the ground, as did her little girl. The disgusting turkey then pecked at them. All for nothing! They were just walking to school or something, and the bird came out of nowhere to be a complete jerk.

To top all this off, turkeys are butt-ugly. I am especially grossed out by the chest beard. Yuck.

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